Hello, my dears. I haven't posted anything at all in quite some time because, honestly, I haven't felt very positive. Honestly, I've felt like a bunch of shit. I've been pushed away by my friends and the people I care most about. I've been silenced despite the fact I still listen. I've been given nothing but resentment and broken promises, and I've been swallowing a lot.
So, today I'm going to speak to whomever will listen, write to whatever eyes will read. I have been hiding a lot of things behind big smiles and funny words, but when I'm alone I find myself hating everything I've become. I've become meek and fake, obsessed with not letting people know what was eating at me, and frantically trying to keep my mask all nice and shiny. I hate that. I hate me.
I don't want this, I don't want any of this. What I really want is the person or people who will love me unconditionally, who will listen when I ramble and rant, but will also tell me their own problems without me having to interrogate them too much. I feel like I don't mean enough to the people I adore, because they won't let me in. I feel like I can't do anything to help anyone, including myself. I feel like I'm falling into that pit of black despair that has haunted me since day one.
I don't want to be that friend that you 'love' but will never truly love. I don't want to be that friend you'll 'be there for' that doesn't really exist to you. I don't want to be that friend that will understand when you can't follow through on your promises. I don't want to be the friend you always brush aside for other plans. I want to be important, to mean something to someone, instead of another bleeding heart with a dozen fresh cuts every night. I don't want to become that uncontrollable monster I was before. . . . . . I don't want to die this time.
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